Mom/Dad Jokes
| Fathers then & now |
| |Today is one of the first Father's Days of our new millennium. Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.Today, it's the size of his minivan.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father smoked a pipe. If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.Today, he'll get a digital organizer.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated. |
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Category: Mom/Dad Jokes |
| Released: 2007-07-02 |
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| Go to the hospital |
| |Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins.""What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets.""Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply."Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?""Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store." |
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Category: Mom/Dad Jokes |
| Released: 2007-07-02 |
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| Great first parent |
| |The First Parent by Bill Cosby Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't." "Don't what?", Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." "Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?" "It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" "I dunno," Adam answered. God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? |
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Category: Mom/Dad Jokes |
| Released: 2007-07-02 |
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| Grocery shopping |
| |A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long." He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out." The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap." The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..." The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen." |
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Category: Mom/Dad Jokes |
| Released: 2007-07-02 |
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